Working at the root; finding the real reasons why we do things
25th November 2021
Every time you do something in the name of avoiding the pain, that something becomes a link that holds the potential for the pain you’re avoiding.
— The Untethered soul, Michael Singer, p.162
For a while now, my husband and I have been thinking of paying off the mortgage; the idea of the security that having a paid home really appeals. But as we walking along the path to figure out what the best way to achieve this, I wonder if what I’m really trying to do is to fend of the fear that comes from having had lost my family home when I was about eleven and the void that was left as my mum tried to survive to keep us all afloat afterwards.
And I guess it’s a natural thing to want to do, to want to avoid myself and my children the pain that I went through. However, the more I dig into my spiritual journey the more I wonder if that pain and that wound would be heal in such a way or whether in a way I’m keeping those wounds open by trying to avoid them.
Because with every step I try to make towards paying my mortgage off, I’m feeling that fear, every day, every time I have a conversation about it, or I do some research on the subject, every thought I have about it I’m fanning the flames of my fear, and without noticing, I’m keeping the memory of that painful event alive and still relevant in my life.
What would my life, and the choices I make, be like if I wasn’t trying to run from the pain of that past event? Would I be doing anything differently? And by making those choices I may just perpetuating the pain inside, making it real?
I think I know what the answer is, and real healing won’t come from having paid my mortgage off but by stopping to think that the possibility of losing my home is real. You can heal a wound by poking it the whole time. You need to leave it alone and focus on the present moment, trying to do the best right here, where you can make a real difference.