Tidiness and cleaning: my coping mechanisms to feel safe
15th June 2022
Today, I’ve discovered that my predilection for tidiness and uncluttered spaces comes from a need to feel safe in an environment where I can see everything clearly.
My childhood wasn’t terrible. But it was amazing either. My dad was an intermittent alcoholic, meaning that he would be nice and normal sometimes but would go on massive benders once every few months. Understandably, that made my mum be really on edge and resentful of the path of destruction that he created within the family environment.
She had problems of her own as well, and was happy to stay with a man like that even when it was a toxic relationship, however it is worth mentioning, that once you have kids making the decision to leave a marriage can’t be solely based on whether the relationship works or not as there are so many other factors to consider.
But anyway, I was doing my meditation this morning, and it just came to me that I’ve been applying the wrong labels to having a less than perfect house. My labels were that a messy house is a place that is out of control, that is dark, that is toxic to be in. All my life, I felt, that if only I could keep my house pristine at all times I wouldn’t feel any pain, suffering or be engulfed in the confusion that clouded my childhood.
But I’m ready for a change.
Now that I’ve realized what has been happening, I can change those labels, as I really don’t think that is a healthy pleace to be, as well as incredibly tiring, to always have to be tidying up and keeping everything ‘controlled’.
My new labels are going to be: Having a slightly messy house can be a sign of:
Creativity
Liveliness
Joy
Fun
Enjoyment
Friends
Laughter
Time together
It’s been a long road of trying to tidy up and clean everything just so that I can feel safe. I realize now that I am safe. I’m not the little Bea that lived in that house any more. Not only that, I live in my own house now and I can see clearly that all those old copying mechanisms no longer serve me.
Thank you for listening.