Redefining my passion after motherhood
12th March 2020
Eight and and a half years of childrearing have meant that I’ve forgotten many of the things that used to fire me up. All those long days changing nappies, going to the park and preparing meals on repeat have dampened down my own desires, wishes and even my sense of who I am.
This has not been a problem until now, as not having much of a life of your own comes with the territory of motherhood and it’s also quite useful as otherwise you wouldn’t enjoy it as much. It’s a little bit like the zen parable of emptying your cup so that what is happening can have space to be and grow, and so my babies were born and had taken ownership of the cup up until now, the point in which they start going to nursery and school and I’m finding myself empty.
It’s a hopeful emptiness though, as I look forward to filling it with some new and exciting projects. However as much as i rejoice in rekindling my own life I find that I’ve got nowhere to grasp, no where to hold onto to start finding my path again. And so I write this blog post to try and give me some clarity.
What did I used to love doing before this vortex that is motherhood swallowed me whole? What did I talk about passionately? What was in my thoughts? What drove me to want to be better? What got me excited?
Personal development books, ideas and practices have as far as I can remember been part of who I am. My dad was a recovered Alcoholic that had reached, in my opinion, something resembling, nirvana. Not all of the time of course, but he was totally dedicated to the daily practice of achieving inner peace. This total dedication from his life left a deep imprint on me.
Therefore, I’ve always felt at home in the realm of personal improvement, as we always used to talk about the idea of finding happiness within you rather than entering the rat race that is trying to achieve everything that society tells you it’s going to make you happy. My dad and I would take long walks around the streets of Barcelona, where we lived, and he would talk to me about which parts of his personality he was wrestling with and how the books he has been reading had enlightened him. He read Khrishnamurtti, Eckhart Tolle, Epictetus and many other modern and ancient classics of personal betterment; as well as this, he attended addiction recovery meeting every evening, although it had been more than 25 years since he stopped drinking.
All this education meant that I grew up having a very rich internal map of myself as well as a strong personal compass that always guided me towards finding what the inner lessons that were hidden in ‘normal’ life were.
So I guess that’s my thing, the thing that I’ve always loved and the one that has always given me meaning. And so at this point I need to find a way to rekindle that love… Nurture it so it grows within me, so that I can then share it, as I feel that’s my gift to the world.
Since I can’t truly share anything unless it’s something that is a truth for me in the present moment, I need to get to work. I need to restart my practices and my journey all over again, and hopefully I can take you all with me so we can grow together.