My emotional scars and what they have taught me
7th March 2022
Imagine this situation. You’ve been married for a couple of decades at this point and have a couple of kids. Life feels pretty exhausting and things in the relationship are a bit lacklustre to say the least. My husband starts to act cold and distant. Thinking about it rationally, it’s probably a normal reaction to how life is at this given point and the lack of time we have to connect and have a good time together. After all, it just feels like we’re surviving at this point, rather than thriving.
It gets me every time. He acts cold and distant, and my response to this is one of sheer terror at the fact that this must mean that he’s going to abandon me, that he has stopped loving me. This must mean we’re doomed. It’s actually funny when I write about it, but the amount of fear I feel at the moment shakes me to my core.
I tell myself, that I must fix this immediately, I need to tell him what he’s doing wrong…we need to sort this now, otherwise everything is going to be a catastrophe!
The reality is that the solution to how I feel in these situations lies at the core of my being. In my most wounded place. And only my inner work can heal me, and if only I can wake up from the trance these situations put me under.
It seems so counterintuitive, because at the time it really feels, like I need to tell him that he needs to be more affectionate and to treat me better, it feels like there’s something to fight against, something to fix, and it must happen soon quick. It really feels like a fight or flight situation.
But the truth is that the only way to get over it, it’s to not even touch the fear, to not engage with the thoughts, to let the feelings go by. Anything else and you’re down the rabbit hole.
I really wish they have taught me in school about how getting rid of emotional scars worked. Wouldn’t that be much more useful than learning birth dates of medieval Kings and Queens? I guess you can’t teach what you don’t know, and we’re only just, as a culture and people, starting to realise how important it is to listen to our fear and emotional pain.
Fear and emotional pain are akin to grazes, wounds and physical pain. They appear when we need an extra warm hug or to take a bit of time to nurture ourselves, it is just a matter of reframing what they mean and to have a plan in places to override the automatic one that wants to fight the fake monster in front of you.