I’m no longer scared of not having enough money
17th June 2022
Old patterns of behaviour can be hard to shake. They feel like using a map from the city I used to live in to find my way around my current city. I’m very unlikely to find the places I want to find with it and to thrive in my new environment. The old pattern I’m revising just now is one that revolves around money, but interestingly it not only shows at times when I need to spend money or when financial decisions need to be made because it isn’t only about money, it is about feeling safe.
When I was nine years old, my parents got divorced. That started a downward spiral of money problems, mental health issues and unhealthy living conditions. But the thing that did the most damage was the constant stress that I felt my mum go through.
Not only did I see it and absorb it, but my mum also made me her sounding board, and she would tell me month, after month, after month, how worried she was because she felt we wouldn’t be making ends meet. I would, then, be around 12 years old, and I’d try to reassure her with everything I had. I would try my hardest to emotionally soothe her fear.
But thinking about it now, I didn’t even know what ‘not making ends meet’ meant. To my young mind it felt like an existential threat, like there would be a cliff at the end of the month, and we would all fall off it.
As you can imagine, that fear has truly passed onto me. It’s inside me. Guiding every move I make. Any financial decision that is not absolutely inspected and thought through sends me into a tail spin.
The idea that we weren’t going to have enough money to get to the end of the month, as well as the emotive displays in which the message was conveyed, have left me with an overwhelming feeling that I need to be hyper vigilant of everything around me, not just money and its management but how tidy my house is, and what others around me are doing. If I don’t feel in control, I don’t feel safe. I’m consumed by this, all day, every day. I never realized, but there’s little time or thought for thriving or enjoying myself because I’m constantly just checking that everything is just like I need it to be to just feel OK. It’s like others can enjoy themselves and lose themselves in activities they enjoy, but that’s not for me, that’s for other people.
I must keep watch. Like a meerkat looking out for danger, while the other meerkats go about their business. But I’m truly done with this. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. It’s a 24hr job. 365 days a year. Always tidying, always researching the best prices for things. Always alert. Always on edge.
I’m ready to let go of my old map. It doesn’t match the new terrain. At all. In this new place, where Bea, the adult, is in charge, I’m safe. I can finally rest, let go in the knowledge that there’s no danger to look out for.