Healing old wounds
4th October 2021
My pain body, as Eckhart Tolle calls it, is really active around romantic relationships. It’s probably when it’s most active, aside from money. I get really scared around whether the relationship, is healthy or not, constantly comparing it to probably an unachievable standard, and getting really scared if my mind decided that no, I’m not scoring top point in that moment, and therefore I should go to him and demand more from him. It’s wearing him down and I’m exhausted. It’s almost as I’m working at ending it, a little bit at a time, just so I can rest at the end when it’s all over and I don’t have to be worried and fearful that is going to end, because it’s already over.
I’ve been doing emotional work on myself for a while and I know that in order to make any kind of change I need to find the root of the original instance of when the fear originated which in my case is when my mum and dad decided to separate, but I don’t think it really kicked in until we have to leave our childhood home and move to a squalid flat that the feeling of being left really kicked in, in fact I remember vividly the last day in our home, I went inside the wardrobe and I cried and cried. That image comes to me again and again when I feel triggered by feelings of abandonment. I was 11 years old at the time and our next home would be a dishevelled and damp flat which on top of everything felt really lonely as my mum had to be out all ours working to pay for it, as my dad had found a new partner and would soon have a new child with her. We were old news very quickly.